to-do checklist before leaving
- reimburse jackie and eunice (write new checks equal to $690)
- clear out stern lockers
- vet through clothes in boxes==finish packing****
- return eunice’s sleeping bag
- return edison’s racket
- collect US$720 from shaomin
college is really a marathon. feeling at a loss. told andrew im going to fail equity val tomorrow. i knew he would say somehting like ‘no you wont fail’ which isnt what i needed to hear. so i told him point blank that what i needed to hear is “failing is ok” not “you wont fail/you’ll be fine”.
needless to say, he didnt give me what i thought i needed. “It’s not ok to fail. BUt it’s ok to try your best. I know once u try your best u will do fine!! do your best tonight and tomorrow. u will be more than prepared”
father in heaven, i feel so out of control, not just with these exams but post the conversation we had with christeen, beatrice and lindsay, where my fundamental philosophical beliefs were challenged. im reminded again that i might be wrong.
but lord, please help me to focus on getting thru the next 2 days before my head wanders off to a theological bout of nonsense
study schedule
tuesday:
10AM finish up quiz 3 for equity val
11AM Lunch
12PM finals practice 2002-2011
6PM dinner
7PM redo quiz 3s and finals
12AM BLAW
wednesday:
7AM
6PM equity val final
8PM dinner
10PM reread blaw cases
equity val checklist:
1) quiz 3 (do 2x)
2) final (do 2x)
3) quiz 1
4) quiz 2
5) revise my quiz 1 and 2
6) read thru textbook slides
dont want to study so im writing instead
as im contemplating my work life once i start, it’s so hard for me to grasp how different life is going to be between school and work. in school, it’s not like im not busy. i’m always doing something, but because of that, i am so spoiled with the autonomy that college students have with deciding what to do with their time. i have been so blessed the last two years and i feel like thruout God has really pushed me beyond boundaries and has really helped me to grow so much as a person.
chinese church and ucf my first two years really gave me so many opportunities to serve and to learn. without these 4 years of attending bible studies on a weekly basis, i wouldnt be where i am today. i am only less than 1% there to understanding God’s word, but i dont believe this journey of growth ever ends and im in no rush either, as im growing with god’s peace and rest. however, i am so grateful that god has allowed me to learn so much.
furthermore, ucf is where i first had the opportunity to lead worship with the piano and singing. chinese church was my first stab at leading a group in a fellowship and joining the church worship team. in all these things i have been a terrible steward of Christ, and yet God is so faithful he can use someone as broken and useless as me to bring people to him (because really he can use anyone).
aacf has really shaped my life philosophy and helped me to develop myself as a leader. leader sounded generic to me at first and totally unappealing. but leadership in light of what God says really means being a servant of God and learning to really live out God’s will in our lives. churches sometimes subscribe to the viewpoint of inreach or that fellowships like aacf which are student run are not the ‘best’ choice. but i couldnt disagree more. the thing aacf has taught me most, even with all the opposition from basileia last year, is that it’s important for EVERYONE in God’s kingdom to be a leader. God desires to use all of us and it doesnt mean we worry or stress out about doing things for him, but what it means is that we are open to the change hes going to bring out in us.
iccf has been however one of the biggest blessings. when jason and i started a small group last year with shaodan, who would’ve thought we’d be a tight-knit christian community with about 50% nonchristians who still come consistently of about 15-20 people? i remember people didnt understand the need for iccf in the beginning. they thought, “there’s already an asian american fellowship” and it was so hard for me to convince even myself that this was God’s will. and i don’t pretend to know.
however, now im more convinced than anything that iccf is so different from aacf and the other fellowships. if i had come to nyu freshman year and iccf was already established, i would never have joined aacf. iccf is just such a sincere chinese community and we really praise God in such different ways with significantly different activities. easily, i saw that from the senior sendoff they threw for us just yesterday. the juniors prepared changed jay chou song lyrics for each of us and picked the song that fit us best. they also got the individual gifts and individual speeches and its just so significant because we all know each other so well. without trying very hard, God’s love is so present that even people like amy can feel so loved in just a few short weeks.
this sincerity in relationships is something you will never find in aacf just by nature of the organization. also, the feeling new people get when they step into a fellowship is so different. but its not because aacf is wrong or iccf is right. its just that culturally, americans are still so different. its like how my sister fell in love with iccf after just being there once.
but in a way, its like God sent me to chinese church in freshman year so i could grow a heart and love for chinese people (from mainland). he put that will and urge in my heart. and unlike other ppl, God did not ‘call me’ and i did not ‘hear his voice telling me to do” this or that. but i know this was truly god’s plan because of how everything has turned out.
which is why for freshmen, sometimes you guys think about how you got into this school or that program or whatever. but AACF is more than right when they say that God has brought you to this campus for a specific reason. and i dont try to second guess God’s plan. we are not required to know God’s plan to be faithful.
thats why i can safely say that aacf is literally the BEST investment i made in my college life. and i’ve been so encouraged and inspired by people like dorothea (seniors) and even travis/elyse/etc. and even juniors like venus, ray, etc. the best thing about aacf is that it’s very rare you find in any other fellowship so many people who are really willing to allow God to take control over their lives, and who prioritize god’s will above their own beyond what they think their limits are. i really like the culture at aacf where everyone can and should be a leader. of course it requires prayer and discernment, but God can do all things through everyone.
lastly, im so grateful my church (compass fellowship church) because it is such a great church. they do so many things RIGHT. i mean 90% of the time i disagree with everything they say, i ask the most questions, i refuse to accept things they tell me, i challenge every instruction they give me to help me become a better person and i’m just such a difficult person. people in aacf/iccf rarely see me as ‘member’ of a community, only as a leader. but as a member, i am so difficult i feel bad sometimes for the church people. because i dont take anything at face value and am so unafraid of being antagonistic.
and yet, they are so sincere in being forgiving and understanding that of me. the staff at ck are the most sincere staff i’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. they sincerely help everyone grow and devote their time and energy to this cause. which is why even if i dont agree with them with regard to the word, i know that God is truly with them.
long rant :( but on a last note, people think its weird that im in so many christian related things haha. but contrary to what it seems on the surface, im really not the kind of person who tries to ‘work anything’ for God. i dont know how to explain it, but i dont think that much. pretty simple minded. the best reason i have, is that aacf, iccf and ck are just so different. ck is my church where i am challenged and grow to become a better person. aacf reminds me of God’s grand vision for all Christians and members of his family. iccf is really a RESPONSE to AACF’s vision!
i dont regret it. im part of other clubs (like being on the eboard for stern clubs like iba and others in the past) but nothing is more meaningful for me than anything God-related. i dont regret doing weekly bible studies 3 times a week since freshman year. i dont regret immersing myself in christian activities everyday. im not the kind of person to stick in one community so i have friends everywhere, cuz i really dont care about community. but for the last 4 years i’ve really cared about growth. i guess its smt i value.
i dont know about the other fellowships on campus. but you cant go wrong with aacf. the intervarsity vision may be weird, or aggressive, but we use our own values. small group leading this year has been OK to say the least. i have literally become SO MUCH BETTER a small group leader from the start. and leading small groups is arguably one of the most useful skills because it transits to the workplace.
i’m excited to see what else God has prepared for me ahead. but i know for sure its going to be very weird when im a slave to work hours with not that many other responsibilities. im so sad college life is ending :( but it’s God’s plan i suppose.
will just have to trust God that the next chapter of my life will be able to top the last 4 years. (but it’s going to be a real stretch)
